What brought me to mindset life coaching?

This is a more detailed summary of the major events of my life so far, including many lightbulb moments I have had since starting my mindset life coaching journey.

Have you ever wondered why you can't achieve your goals? Are you unaware of the daily impacts of perfectionism, procrastination and negative self-talk? Here’s My Story and some reflections on these questions. 

At 57 years old, I am an Australian with a strong Jewish heritage on my mother's side and a strong matriarchal early settler heritage on my father’s side.

Growing up in New South Wales, I was surrounded by dysfunction, where violence, alcohol, and abuse were common.

Despite having 4 siblings, I only ever bonded strongly with my little sister and became her protector from a very early age.

I became adept at avoiding violence by acting as a mediator during family conflicts. I sought and received approval and constantly tried to please others. I also developed a great sense of humour.

Those who know me won’t be surprised to hear I had an early flair for self-deprecating and biting humour. The ‘look over there’ diversionary tactic helped me to shift attention away from trauma and shame.

At school, I faced bullying from siblings and schoolmates who targeted me for being loud, effeminate, and emotionally expressive.

During my lowest moments of exhaustion at home and at school, I consoled myself with, "It's okay. Just cope for now and have a breakdown when you're older when you can get help."

I got a messed-up sense of inner confidence from this consolation, but hey, it worked and enabled me to move on to the next diversion, the next people-pleasing strategy.

Shortly before my 14th birthday, following yet another suicide attempt by my mother, my two closest siblings and I were sent to live with our natural father in Perth.

 The move seemed like the best way to break my personal cycles of trauma, then people-pleasing, followed by more trauma, even more polished people-pleasing tricks, and the inevitable and almost comforting exhaustion that resulted.

Although the promised ponies and BMX bikes never materialised from my father after moving to Perth, the move proved to be the best thing that could have happened to me. Well, be careful what you wish for!

Despite the persistent violence and alcohol in yet another family environment, I poured my energy into school, quickly rising to become Head Boy, securing leading roles in two school productions, and achieving recognition as a National Finalist in Youth Speaks for Australia and a State Debating Finalist.

As you read this, you’re probably thinking, ‘wow, he has been so successful.’ And you’re probably also thinking, ‘how bloody exhausting all that people-pleasing must have been.’ You’d be right on both fronts.

My popularity among peers at high school was helped by the fact that I was a year older than them and could entertain them at home with alcohol and drive them around. And all the time, they were oblivious to the abuse and trauma I faced in the home. But I must be honest, it felt great to be loved and not judged or to feel shame, so the hiding and people-pleasing were working for me again, surely?

The independence and resilience I cultivated from a young age served me well toward the end of high school. I dared to escape the family home, taking my little sister and settling in a flat along the Scarborough Beachfront.

Being the first in my family to attend university the following year marked a monumental achievement, and I threw myself into campus politics and social life.

I “came out” as being gay to my African History Professor at UWA when 19. She was so wise, and her reaction stays with me. She threw her arms around me as I sobbed about my late essay and said, “It’s ok, you can rest now. No need to run or hide, and no need to be something you think you need to be to please others”. She saw the exhaustion in my eyes and felt it deeply as she hugged me tightly.

After coming out to family and friends, I didn’t do things by half! After co-founding the Pride March in Perth and being a high-profile gay activist in Perth media in the early 90s, I re-established myself on the achievement treadmill. But I still felt alone and exhausted.

Little surprise then in 1995 when I fled to Melbourne wanting to be a smaller, less exhausted fish in a bigger pond.

And of course, I did the very things not to achieve this goal. I quickly re-entered political life, was a co-founder of the Pride March in Melbourne, led the largest queer organisation in Victoria and became the first openly gay Mayor of Port Phillip City Council based around St Kilda. Great ways to be a small fish and look after me, surely?

The same patterns were repeating. During the day, I was unstoppable, racking up achievement after achievement. I became a trusted senior officer in local government and a governance expert and managed my own consultancy company from 2008-2019. People fed off my energy and output, but I still couldn’t put myself first.

So, in the lonely dark of night, the scars of alcohol, drug abuse, and cigarettes persisted as I sought respite from the exhaustion of being “on” 24/7. And my ON, for those who know me, means ON STEROIDS!

So much changed for me when I met Rowan Ravenseed in 2013, and we married in 2019.

The profound connection I felt with the first person in my entire life I really trusted to be myself with made me realise that I could rest and slow down. That it was possible to see achievement in just a feeling. A restful moment or even just listening to the whinny of our horses, the birds' call or the wind's whistle in our lovely open garden.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic struck, trapping me into unsuitable work and business relationships that failed to meet my financial and emotional needs. Worse still, I was starved of my need to over-achieve. You can imagine how that went down with my unconscious mind at first.

By the end of 2021, the strange circumstances of lockdowns gave me the space to see that my up, down cycle was deeply ingrained. And to also see that becoming a zen yoga freak overnight would not work. My “normal” behaviours revolved around trauma, pleasing, and exhaustion. And the more varieties of these behaviours, the better!

With Rowan by my side, the biggest change to my life came during a session with our couples’ counsellor in February last year.

Life and mindset coaching emerged as an opportunity to grow and pursue what has always made my heart grow bigger. Lifting others up and inspiring them to break their own behaviours and smash the mindsets they’ve allowed to rule their lives.

Intrigued, I found The Life Coaching College - Australia's leading ICF-accredited mindset and life coaching college.

Within just two weeks, I was a changed person. Massive lightbulb moments came thick and fast. I finally knew why I was so good at helping others but not myself! I quickly left my business, securing a position where I could make a difference and find genuine happiness. Not the usual risk-averse patterns I was used to.

Over the past two years, I’ve embarked on a journey that has blown my mind, and given me prolonged periods of happiness, calm, and the most beautiful and innocent experiences of joy. My only exhaustion has come from a single bout of COVID-19 and a short-lived flu.

I’ve used the tools I’ve gained to learn how my brain works against me and how I can make it work for me. I know how and when to say no to rescuing everyone else. How to stop taking on more and more and finishing less. And ultimately how to stop measuring my worth through achievements alone.

For those who’ve visited or stayed with me at my home, perhaps the biggest change is I’ve grown comfortable with not finishing my household chores and leaving items undone from my to-do list. Earth-shattering for a domestic dynamo like me, I can tell you.

I’ve also learnt how to recognise my cycle of trauma, pleasing and exhaustion and tweak it to serve my needs, not anyone else’s.

To take a small SHIFT in life and to make it work for me in ways that I could never do before because I put all my energy into my conscious mind and the false sense of control it gave me.

Unlocking my unconscious mind has not only allowed me to free myself from all the bullshit I was telling myself before, it’s helped me transfer these same skills in my career and in my personal life.

It’s never too late to find new ways of being and new ways of seeing, and it doesn’t have to be daunting and hard. I’m living proof of both of these.